PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
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Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
But I really needed water water water
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
#parenting
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”