@_youhadonejob1: You Had One Job!
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@Reverend_Scott: Quotes to calm an angry woman: 1. Stress makes you fat. 2. My ex never acted like that. 3. I love you, even if you're just like your mom.
@Rollmaninoz: Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh Me:… Cashier:… Me:… Cashier:… Me: yep
@onion_an: Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant Me: Oh my god [later that day] Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That's for inventing milk
@yonewt: Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie