@_youhadonejob1: You Had One Job!
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@Aspersioncast: I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I'm a hippy and start talking about recycling.
@ArfMeasures: "My friend got me a Fitbit" ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven't got one tho "u can buy them online" ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?
@Bipartisanism: "Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza." - President Obama
@JohnLyonTweets: *walks into alma mater carrying English degree* I'd like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.