@_youhadonejob1: You Had One Job!
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@DadInUtah: Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
@LaziestCanine: [teenage girl reading horoscope tweets] "Gemini's go to sleep when they are tired" HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME
@loribuckmajor: Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg and wait. -hospitals
@Jesssicle: Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone's house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"