You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
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*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
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How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go