*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
You Might Also Like
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?