HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
You Might Also Like
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
same energy
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married