You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
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Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings