“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
You Might Also Like
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid