Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
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hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.