@tastefactory: "YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER" - salt
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@WilliamAder: Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can't sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
@radtoria: Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
@MonSwanson: I can't wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don't have a boyfriend "because I'm such a pretty girl". I'm a psycho, grandma.
@ChrisHallbeck: An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.