“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.