You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
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ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Overindulged this afternoon.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year