You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
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BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Lmao
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!