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Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Hitlers gonna hitl
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.