financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
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All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.