You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
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Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
This is hilarious….
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up