You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
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ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.