Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
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My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water