Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
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I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.