@crylenol: Commercial for Twitter dot com:
*man yells nonsense out his window*
Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way?
@MrSandeepP: My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.
@toni_goldsetin: My mom always has these great sayings for life, like "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" and "Everybody hates you."
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Time for bed
Brain: Ok
Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH'S TECTONIC PLATES WON'T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!
@HFromTheNam: Husband:-"So when you starting back at the gym"?
Me:-"Why"?
H:-"Because you need to"
His funeral takes place next week.
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