You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
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Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Ok but actually
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
is this store having a stroke wtf
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
how long have you had this for?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.