@Darlainky: Dear Santa, Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

@MarfSalvador: [Bedroom] Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that Her: Sure you do Him: Time me *holds breath again*

@WritePlay: MAN: I'll get pasta & she'll have the salad COW: What's that mean? MAN: Uh- COW: I'm fat? MAN: ... You're a cow? PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

@owlcity: If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.

@Donna_McCoy: I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.