@crylenol: Commercial for Twitter dot com: *man yells nonsense out his window* Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way?

@MrSandeepP: My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.

@toni_goldsetin: My mom always has these great sayings for life, like "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" and "Everybody hates you."

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Time for bed Brain: Ok Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH'S TECTONIC PLATES WON'T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!

@HFromTheNam: Husband:-"So when you starting back at the gym"? Me:-"Why"? H:-"Because you need to" His funeral takes place next week.