You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.