Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
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The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.