Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
You Might Also Like
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!