Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
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“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips