You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
According to math, I’m broke
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Spring cleaning checklist…
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.