You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
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Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”