You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
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I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla