You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
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Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.