You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist