If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
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Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*