You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
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If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club