*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
You Might Also Like
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
When your best mate counts as a desk too