@Lpbinder: You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
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@ShortWhiteNUgly: Me: I found a job! Mom: That's great! What is it? Me: debt collection! Mom:.... Me..... Mom:... Me: I think you know why I'm calling.
@JD_Barney: I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"
@HlaoRoo: NRA member: I've got guns. I'm in charge. Me: That's nice. I've got bubonic plague - "cough, cough" - now you do, too. I win.