Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
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Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?