“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
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I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?