“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
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“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Good advice.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please