@Reverend_Scott: NEIGHBOR: dude, that's the scariest costume I've ever seen. I love Halloween. ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

@JoleenDoreen: A guy asked me out! Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is. FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

@degg: the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him

@generaldietz: me:*pulls chair out for date* her: such a gentleman my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU'RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

@qwertying: Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.