The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
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“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
ACED my prostate exam!
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.