@Alyssa_Jolie: You haven't mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it's about them
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@Tuna_Lover: Just spent $243.57 at the grocery store so the check out girl didn't think I was just buying KY and condoms.
@Bluestmoon_: When someone shows you they don't want to be a part of your life, let them go. I'm not saying you can't make a voodoo doll of them, though.
@leechee420: If Reese Witherspoon doesn't call her poop "Reese's Feces" she's missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.
@jonnysun: [trying to do standup] u kno whats funy– [someone yells 'society!'] nno– [entire audience starts laughig] wait [audience laughs louder] stop