@AbbeYaar: You haven't seen a woman overreact until you've told a woman she's overreacting.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves? Me: Dying people are moths?
@DiscoFruit: [first date] her: so are you a dog or cat person? me: *long dramatic pause* well... i'm almost positive that i'm just a normal person..?
@TheDairylandDon: I swallow at least one note per meal that says "we're all really proud of you," in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
@joeljeffrey: When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I'm enjoying it.