4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
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Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades