@carlyken: You haven't truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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@SteveSuckington: Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
@themorris23: Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: "Toast"
@haleysfalling: I've decided that I'm going to start texting people back. That's it. That's the joke.
@GrantTanaka: On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time"