@carlyken: You haven't truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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@GaryJanetti: Thanks for the holiday photo! I can't believe your little girls are already unhappy, overweight teenagers!
@_NinJar: *cop frisking me* Cop: "theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?" Uh, no Cop: "OW!" *baby porcupine jumps out* RUN POKEY, RUN
@MommaUnfiltered: The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I've been resting for 6 years.
@Shock_Monster: If I were God, I'd totally be cool with you using my name in vain. Feel free to say, "Oh John" next time you're cumming ladies.