You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.