@carlyken: You haven't truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@XplodingUnicorn: My love for my kids is like my data plan: Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
@mattZillaaaa: Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don't know how crazy you are. Also, you're now out of xanax.
@PaperWash: Man's guide for a selfie: 1) Squint your eyes like your cool 2) Look off into the distance 3) Put your phone down 4) Don't take the selfie
@daemonic3: Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie? "You mean MAY, not CAN" Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?