You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I’m listening
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*