You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
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No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.