You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
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Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
hi why am I like this
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that