You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
You Might Also Like
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Catering service
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?