you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
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Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
me linking you to my twitter
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.