you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
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The only equipped I am is ill.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor: