You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
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If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Woke up against my better judgment again
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.