6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
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A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.