This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
We’ve come full circle
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.