You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
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If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
scrabbled eggs
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
very niche meme I made
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.