Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
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I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I hope it’s French Onion!
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.