You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
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I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.