You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
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[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Hitlers gonna hitl
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Word.
~ Microsoft.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
White parent Vs Arab parents
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.